My name is not Caira, but for up coming lines I  pick  the name to simply hide behind. It is the only censorship  I have allowed myself for telling this story. Story about our difficult journey to become parents. Using different name allows me to write about this part of our life with liberating ease anonymity so generously provide with.  And I do want to be true.

I feel as really important to tell our story to support all those who struggle on their way to parenthood. I wish to let know mainly women in the same situation, they do not experience all this alone. There are many of us. And I want to bring out  how important it is never let the hope go. Just hold on tight to that dream about own baby and try to believe in a happy ending despite how difficult the path is!

Thanks to my profession, I use to express myself by written words quite lot, so I eventually agreed to tell the story for my clinic and all those couples finding themselves in the same situation as we were once. And I hope you won´t mind my English, since it is not my native language (obviously).

 

WHERE OUR BABY IS WONDERING ABOUT… How do you actually keep yourself together.

Even though we live in a times where there is so many to be doubt, there is no question woman were formed by nature to become mothers one day. And the effects of modern civilization won´t change that elementary fact. We can think about our future role, as we get older, whatever we want. We can even refuse such a role, it is our decision to make. But still, the fact stays, we were made to be mums. And those of us, who wish to became mums, might face alarming fact, that it is more often the case, despite trying to conceive, baby is simply not on the way to this world. And that  is really difficult challenge to face. And yes, I found myself at this point one day. And yes, I had no idea how to handle it.

At first it was just a tickle of fear I hid deep under all those “buts,” “howevers,” “maybes”. After all, I was newlywed with clear plans for family and saw no reason why the plans would not come the way I had planned. I was happy personally and professionally, our home was ready, husband was a great guy. The ideal time for next step! And was I nervous being 34? Maybe, a little. But did I think about possibility we could actually have problem to start our family?  No.

We had been “working on making baby” for six months when all my “buts”, “howevers” and “maybes” started to fight their way out from hidden depths to a light. Slowly, but surely, I became a living question mark – Why can I not get pregnant? After all, I am a healthy woman! My gynaecological problems were always only common, so why am I not pregnant yet ?!

For another six months I had allowed all those fears to live with me. They had such a huge influence on me. I doubted myself all the time, became visibly sad, nervous and with each period much more frustrated. Intimacy with my husband was impaired, I approached to each act of love as to a test if I’ m good enough to conceive a child.

I had became obsessed with an ovulation and concentrated on those days as on nothing else. My husband knew there was nothing what could stop him from not being at home those days, I made that really clear!

I had started studying Internet discussions (really bad idea), got obsessed with each disturbing word, every bad prognosis. I was sinking into despair more and more and did not understand why. I should have no problem to start family! Both of my sisters have babies, why not me? I got stuck in the circle of my own inadequacy, desperation and fear. And I could not stop myself from doing that.

Finally, my gynaecologist had directed me to the relevant experts. But I did not make an appointment at once. I do not know what I was actually still waiting for. But with beginning of next period I called, already in tears, to make an appointment  with centre  for assisted reproduction.

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